Feeling left out....

Maybe I am a little sensitive. Maybe I dunno.

Went volleyball today with a group of my brother's friends whom I will be living with soon next year. We all don't know how to play at all. So we just tried. I've played volleyball before and I've always been scared of the ball, I am nvr ever good at it, or anything for that matters.
I love playing volley but I don't like playing volleyball with people. Okay, not everybody, but its just that, I am trying so hard to get the ball across but they keep telling me to run more and hit harder when they themselves are doing all those things.. I hate that feeling. I hate that ppl can just rip apart ur confidence just through words. I hate all of it.

Then, there is my parents. I always wanted to hang out more as a family because for the past 6,7 years my brother has been overseas studying and we rarely hang out as a family. Then, my parents and brother planned a trip to the city and not tell me about it. I had to ask them or I wouldn't have known. Sigh, honestly, I secretly believe that they are prouder of their son. They are always singing praises of him. I mean, who would love a 20-year-old Med school student dropout who is fat and sensitive, who is an idiot, and has Bell's Palsy? How could they ever be proud of me? My brother has always been the best child. He skipped a grade, sailed through college and university and now, at 23 years, he has a job that pays well and hopes to buy a house within 5 years. Don't get me wrong, I love my brother to death and my parents. Its just that feeling, you know....

Okay, I am not a little sensitive, I am a big giant ass of sensitive-ness. I try to change but its hard. I know that this part of me always gets the better of me. I am trying hard to get rid of it.

The possibility of what ifs.

What if...?
Isn't that something that comes into our mind every now and then. And everytime we think about it, it hurts. Feeling of regrets and frustrated-ness comes along with it. And the worse thing is, there is nothing we can do about it.

I have many what ifs in my life. And yes, all of the times I regret not doing or having done something. But its that few minutes of pondering and wishing that makes so weirded out. I hate feeling the way I did and it pains me that no matter what I do, my life will forever be filled with what ifs.

My constant what if; What if I am the person I really am? Will I be a different person? Will I be living a different kind of life?

Hm, I guess i'll never know that.

lost

I just feel so out with a group of my friends. I tried contacting them but I guess I am out of their click already. Somehow I am hurting. But i understand.

Why The Mask?

I have been quiet for as long as i can remember.
When i was younger, around the age of 1 and 2. I was not quiet. I was opposite of what i am today.

Both my parents were working when i was younger. So we have a live-in maid. And mind u, I was a very noisy and rambunctious child. So the maid always pinch me on my bum when i make noises. To the point where there were huge blue blacks. I think i was 3 or 4 years of age. So i turned quiet and shy after that. I was afraid of strangers. My parents eventually found out and fired her. I don't actually remember the pinching taking place but i remember the hospital visit. I remember having to show my bum to the doctor. And I have a whole album with pictures of the markings.

But i bounced back from that. I was me again.

Then, I am not.

I was 8. I was happy. I was cheery. Light was always shining onto me.
Then, I got Bell's Palsy. Its a condition where I have partial paralysis to the right side of my face.

I was young and i didn't understand what it is really. I just know that twice a week I had to go to the hospital for physio therapy. I loved the people there. They become my friends. But I hated the treatments. I had to go electric therapy where they stuck one pad behind my neck and the other pad on my face. Then they send small currents and it was painful. I hated it. I cried having to go through that. Then there was the ice treatment where they use a cone of ice and rub it on my face. Its not painful but i was horribly uncomfortable.

Then there was the medicine. The horribly large pill which i couldn't swallow. So mum crushed it and mixed with honey for me to eat and I hate it! until now i cant drink pure honey drink.
Then when i was 9. There is this television crew that came to film what they do at the physiotherapy centre and they want me in it. I remember I really didn't want to be on it. I hate cameras. I didn't want to be shown on the tv and i hated electric treatments. That day I had to do both at them at the same time. I remember the camera crew pointing their huge black camera onto my face and i couldn't stop covering my face with my hand and the physiotherpist just kept pushing my hand away. But despite all of this, I was relatively still me.

But when i hit 11. That light shining on me closed in and my world turned dark. It hit me. I now know i was different for other people. I can't smile. I can't laugh. I hated the electric treatments. I hate the way people looked at me. i hate it when they ask whats wrong with ur face.

Then I got my first period. Everything was just too confusing. Too much for me to take. When i was ten I was away to another state for a year. Also at 11, when i got back, nobody was my friend anymore. I was in a less than friendly class. But i made one friend. the others were just fake friends. Kind of like we pretend we are friends but just for the company. So my world closed in and I became somebody I was not. I was rude. I was mean. I was failing at my studies. I hated life.

I decided to turn a new leaf when i turned 13. I became more of me but with that huge mask. I became shy and reserved. I never smile. And when i laughed I cover my mouth with my hands. I came across as anti-social. But the truth is, I love people. I love to be around people. But i just didn't know how to make friends. Instead, people have to make friends with me. I hate being in front of cameras but i do like being behind them.

This is who I have become today.

I don't like it. But its better than 11-year-old me. But everyday I try to become even better. But its an excruciatingly slow process. But i have learnt. I can make eye contact and i can hug people without feeling uncomfortable. I can open a little of my feelings. And i can smile to people. I can wave to them. I can say hello to people without waiting for them to say hello to me first. There are probably more but these are the ones that made me who i am today.

I just told a personal story. Nothing I will tell anybody in this details.

The Three People I Trust My Life With.

There are only 3 people I trust my life.

They are my best friends.

Best Friend #1

we met when we were 7, in primary school. Ever since, we had drifted apart for a year or two but now, we are the best of friends. Mainly we drifted apart because i was generally a very very quiet girl so my circle of friends maybe revolve 4 or 5 people and Best Friend #1 is a super sociable with her circle of friends 6 or 7 times larger than mine. She had more friends to hang out with. Now, we meet up almost once every week. We bake together, hang out, have sleepovers, and share secrets. She is a bit influenced by American culture. as we all know, Asian culture is pretty much the opposite. She is loud, sometimes a little mean to her siblings, loves to gossip and she eats a lot.... and never ever gets fat. She is the only person whom got my mask almost cracked open.

One pictorial representation of her :-

This picture explains her. Sometimes she is Sunrise. Sometimes she is Sunset.

Best Friend #2

We met in high school together when we were both 14. We didn't start out strong but now we are tight. Now, this friend and I think alike in many ways. from what we do to what we like. But of course we are different in many ways too. She is a confident, strong in character, always smiling no matter what she feels inside, great listener and helpful when I am down about something. I trust her fully.

She is a flower. First a bud where u don't really know whats in store. And then after awhile, it blooms and its so pretty and pure.

Best Friend #3

I met her the same time as #2 as all 4 of us were in the same class for that year. First impression of her, she was bubbly, innocent and so full of life. Years on, she is still the same. She is the person who never fails to put a smile on my face. She is clumsy, in a funny way. She is so extremely smart and determined to be a civil engineer no matter how much we say its a manly job. She is studying overseas for a year now. And gosh, I miss her a lot.

She is like this picture. Children playing in the rain. Bringing out joy, happiness and excitement.


I Love My Friends. And I Trust My Life With Them.